Step 3 in the Conscious Uncoupling process is all about changing your “story” so you can break painful patterns and heal your heart. Regardless of if we realize it or not, most of us have a story. This is more often than not a negative story, or what we call in Conscious Uncoupling a “source fracture.” Source fracture stories represent the original hurts of our heart that govern deep–seeded and often unconscious thoughts about ourselves and our worthiness for love, acceptance, and success. For most people these source fracture stories originate in childhood.
Once you can identify and understand that original disappointing experience you will start to see how it has been at the heart of repetitive, painful patterns in love and life.
Our source fracture story is made up of old core beliefs. The beliefs that we operate out of become the building blocks to how we conceptualize our lives. They become our identity. And these beliefs are formed early in our lives, sometimes before we can even talk. This is not because these beliefs are true, but because we believe them to be true and we taint all our thoughts, actions, and beliefs through this false filter.
For example, what I identified for myself was that around age 7 I learned from my parents that my younger brother had a much higher IQ than me and most humans. I made that mean, “since I’m not extra smart in the ways that he is smart, then I must be stupid, so how could I ever be good enough?” And over time this identity of not being enough deepened and grew to include beliefs that I was invisible and not safe to be seen and heard in the world. And I became aware of how these false beliefs were generational, in large part learned from the way my parents and grandparents felt about themselves and interacted in life.
Are you wondering, how to identify the false matrix of beliefs that has been sabotaging your love life? Get quiet and tap into the emotions you are feeling around your breakup. Don’t try to control or suppress them. *Breath into them and ask:
- How has my former partner disappointed me in ways similar to how I was disappointed in my youth? For example, “He abandoned our family the same way my father did when I was five.”
- How might I have disappointed my former partner in ways similar to how I was disappointed in my youth? For example: “I was hyper-critical in the same way my mother way hypercritical of me.”
- What am I making this breakup mean about me? For example, “I am not loved,” “I am not wanted,” “I am not good enough.”
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Can you see how old beliefs can cloud every aspect of your being? These beliefs form relational patterns based on assumptions we make which dictate our responses to the situation. Without knowing it we set up situations in life that confirm our source fracture stories. Identifying the story makes it possible to explore what’s really true through the lens of an adult versus that of a child. When I told my parents about my source fracture story they expressed great sadness. This was never their intent. I can see that now. As adults we can look back on the origin of our source fracture story with more objectivity allowing a more accurate story to unfold. It is here we get to choose the truth of who we are, choosing fact over old feelings. And, it is here we awaken to the power we hold to create a new narrative based in the truth of our value and worthiness moving forward.
*These questions come from the Katherine Woodward Thomas’ book Conscious Uncoupling pages 146-148.
This blog is written by , a certified love and relationship coach. The fifth in a 7-part series, this blog is based off the New York Times bestselling book Conscious Uncoupling by author Katherine Woodward Thomas. Each blog provides a brief overview to the larger work you will experience in my groups and one-on-one sessions. Please visit to read the full blog series and learn more about Conscious Uncoupling.