Step 4 of the Conscious Uncoupling process is to awaken to yourself as a powerful co-creator of the future to become a love alchemist!
At this point, you are taking actions that promise to graduate you from the painful patterns of your past and radically transform the dynamic between you and your former partner to reflect the truth of your value and power.
One powerful new choice is to set a healthy intention for the new form of the relationship you are committed to creating with your former partner and all involved.
Intention is future focused, spoken in the affirmative, and a call to rise. Here are a few examples:
- To foster an atmosphere of honor, respect, and generosity between us so that our children can have a great relationship with us both.
- To leave this relationship in a way that leaves me and my former partner open-hearted and capable of giving and receiving love.
- To be honest with myself and those around me about my wants and needs to attract the intimacy I so desire and deserve.
This sort of intention might feel impossible to live into, at this time. Some of you will get what you need from reading the book or this blog series whereas others will crave the deeper work of one-on-one session or a group session to fully explore how Step 4 supports you in learning communication skills that empower you to do your best to safely navigate the new form of the relationship. Our primary goal here is to help you communicate with yourself and others in ways that clear away the toxic emotional residue between you and your former partner.
For me this meant making a choice to begin talking with my boyfriend about the specific fears, obligations and guilt I was feeling in our relationship, cultivating my courage to tell the truth of my experience, not to blame him, but to practice speaking the truth and opening to the possibility that he valued me enough to listen, which he did. I became clear on my feelings and needs, then practiced setting new boundaries in our relationship, in a loving and open-hearted way.
After becoming aware of how I had entered into our relationship from a sense of not being good enough, I realized I had picked a partner who I didn’t believe was enough. We talked and both acknowledged that from the day we met we began covertly pulling on each other to change into who our idealized partner would be. This was not loving or respectful, and we shifted. We now really listen to each other, negotiate with respect, and honor each other’s needs. We have re–coupled and our relationship is full of love and laughter.
It might not be possible for some of you to re-couple and recreate a new partnership, yet no matter how your former partner is showing up you do have the power to take new action which might inspire them to soften and show up with generosity as well. Implementing your intention may require forgiving yourself and your partner. Forgiveness has nothing to do with whether your partner deserves it or not — it is about allowing yourself to move on because you are worthy of being free of the angst you carry.
It might feel impossible to forgive right now, and it might not be time for you to try. You may need that anger still as fuel for reclaiming your power. When you are ready, setting your new intention and practicing forgiveness will create a healthy closure leaving you feeling peaceful in heart and mind, and ready to become a love alchemist!
This blog is written by , a certified love and relationship coach. The sixth in a 7-part series, this blog is based off the New York Times bestselling book Conscious Uncoupling by author Katherine Woodward Thomas. Each blog provides a brief overview to the larger work you will experience in my groups and one-on-one sessions. Please visit to read the full blog series and learn more about Conscious Uncoupling.