Conscious Uncoupling Part 4 | Making Amends
Reclaim Your Power!
To reclaim your power and your life is a powerful step towards your emergence from the Conscious Uncoupling process feeling whole, grounded and prepared to cultivate the life you desire. Once you have identified your role (Step 2A), however big or small, in the relationship that did not work it is time to make amends (Step 2B) to yourself.
It is not uncommon to want your ex-partner to make amends and at least apologize for ruining the relationship or whatever they did to contribute to its demise. They may very well owe you that, but don’t sit around waiting for it and don’t let that be contingent on you moving forward. Consider that maybe you are the one who needs to make amends with yourself. Doing so frees you from the residue of resentment, regret, and as Katherine Woodward Thomas says, “give purpose and meaning to the mistakes I [you] have made, as well as help me [you] to reclaim my [your] power”.
One exercise I find useful in my sessions is as follows:
Close your eyes. Follow your breath for 30-60 seconds allowing your mind and body to relax. Identify yourself as Source (God, Allah, Universe) – this will help you act in a more compassionate way towards yourself. Following the breath, apologize to yourself for the way you have neglected your own needs.
Make a promise to yourself and Source about new patterns you choose instead.
After your meditation or prayer, go take a new action that is in alignment with the new patterns you are creating for yourself.
For example, maybe you wanted to be taken care of in a way that required too much of your partner’s time, energy and resources and that is why they left. Your amends to yourself might be acknowledging that you are resourceful and self-sufficient – or can learn to be. Your promise to yourself could be that you are going to be self-reliant, that you don’t expect someone to take care of you in ways you can care for yourself, but you will appreciate and savor their thoughtful gestures. The ‘take action’ part might be getting a job or taking charge of your finances.
This is how we begin to graduate from the old patterns and learn to trust ourselves to never relate in the same ways that have brought us so much pain. Another person may be terrified of being vulnerable. That lack of willingness to open-up to their partner, whom they adored, is why they left. Making amends to oneself in that case might be committing to learn the skill of identifying what they are feeling and needing, then growing their capacity to share feelings and needs with others in a way that allows for deeper intimacy. Perhaps your part was that you didn’t set boundaries and you feel as though you can’t set boundaries. What might be more true is that you won’t take the risk to set a boundary because you have been afraid that if you do you will lose the relationship, or someone will be angry with you, which might happen, yet inside of the anxiety YOU have been the one to throw yourself under the bus.
Get clear about the choices you have been making. Recognize that you are an ever-evolving creature capable of learning healthier new ways to be in the world. When our hearts are broken we have a chance to really see these self-betraying ways of relating and what it costs us, and others. When we find the courage to get honest with ourselves we can move past the old ways of being to create a far more loving, compassionate and empowered existence!
This blog is written by Noelle Davis, a certified love and relationship coach. The forth in a 7-part series, this blog is based off the New York Times bestselling book Conscious Uncoupling by author Katherine Woodward Thomas. Each blog provides a brief overview to the larger work you will experience in my Conscious Uncoupling groups and one-on-one sessions. Please visit BraveNewLoveCoaching.com to read the full blog series and learn more about Conscious Uncoupling.