Conscious Uncoupling Part 7 | Creating your Happily EVEN After
The 5th and final step of the Conscious Uncoupling process teaches you to make wise, healthy, life-affirming decisions as you take on the essential tasks of reinventing your life and setting up vital new structures that will allow you and all involved to thrive after this transition.
Step 5 guides you to identify and complete the old agreements you and your former partner shared, such as ‘till death do us part’, or ‘I will never love someone as much as I love you’, and to generate new ones that are appropriate to the new form the relationship is taking. Without knowing it many people keep their agreements to their partner long after they have separated. Thus, it is important to take a thorough look at the vows, commitments, and promises you two made along the way, and adjust your expectations to be more appropriate for how things are now and will be going forward.
“The best part of the worst thing in the world actually happening is that it liberates you to reimagine.”
-Katherine Woodward Thomas
This will help you manage your expectations in a way that will reduce the possibility of disappointment for all involved. In fact, there is actually a physiological response in our body when our expectations are not met that contributes to the body’s threat response, which contributes to the emotional pain of a breakup.
Another important aspect of Step 5 is to create cohesion and alignment with your community (family, friends, co-workers) to ensure a supportive and nourishing environment in which to reinvent your life. Remember that your breakup doesn’t only impact you and your partner but all the people who care about you. Some of your network will automatically start picking sides, others will think you want them to, others will be sad and fearful about what your break up will mean for them. Instead of encouraging or allowing people to take sides or encouraging social rejection of our former partner, which is a form of violence and actually lights up physical pain centers in our brains, we learn to encourage our community to support both of us. You can help those around you with your transition by:
Maintaining your dignity
Show restraint in how you share your story
Give clear guidance to others on how they should behave
Many of my clients find great comfort in participating in a Conscious Uncoupling ceremony to honor the end of this form of their relationship. Doing so empowers you, your former partner, and all involved to move on with loving and conscious completion. Such rituals can be done with just the two of you, surrounded by family and friends or individually in a soul-to-soul mediation. One of my clients and her former partner, whom I led through a private uncoupling ceremony in my office, both shared the sense of peace and closure they felt afterwards.
For free Conscious Uncoupling rituals in audio and PDF, go to:
The final part of Step 5 is to divvy up assets and responsibilities. This is a much easier process when you have done the work to honor your experience together, explore what got you here, and have set new boundaries and expectations for moving forward. By finding cooperative new ways to care for children, divide property, and navigate the legal process it will help all involved get set up to win in love and life moving forward.
Step 5 is the heart of the Conscious Uncoupling process that has allowed me to transform my life, save my relationship with my partner, and guide my clients through their pain and toward the creation of their Happily EVEN after lives. May moving through this method be a transformative process for you as well!
This blog is written by Noelle Davis, a certified love and relationship coach. The seventh in a 7-part series, this blog is based off the New York Times bestselling book Conscious Uncoupling by author Katherine Woodward Thomas. Each blog provides a brief overview to the larger work you will experience in my Conscious Uncoupling groups and one-on-one sessions. Please visit BraveNewLoveCoaching.com to read the full blog series and learn more about Conscious Uncoupling.